Sentence The Fivehundredandeightyfifth

 

And so it was that Bernie Cohen met Jessie MacDonald; he was cautious, of course, for he wondered how Mr MacDonald had behaved towards his wife after his discharge from Police custody, whether he had taken any reprisal against her for making a statement to the Police, what vicissitudes she might have gone through for standing up and speaking out against her husband, a rarity for the time, but when he entered the house, at her invitation, after explaining that he had been assigned as the Duty Solicitor, and this meeting having been arranged by Snooker Tam who by now was a regular visitor to Jessie, and joined her in the front parlour, where, he was pleased to see, her friend Sadie
was also present; Bernie explained carefully that he was minded to believe Mrs MacDonald's evidence against her husband, and that he, too, had good reason to suspect that Mr MacDonald was, in fact, Hermann Goering – impossible as that may be – and he wanted her to tell him how she could be so sure herself and further, whether she could pin down the point at which she had first begun to suspect him; now, Jessie MacDonald was a broadminded person – she told him that she had first become Mr MacDonald's paramour shortly after going to work for him in his tailoring business where she operated the Haufmoon Press; Bernie knew what a Hoffman Press was and the use of a Scots word for a Sickle Moon was amusing, though to laugh would have been patronising and Bernie was nothing if not solicitous and courteous to women of every class – several friends of his were in the Rag Trade and he had seen the instrument in question being used – but he was not here to learn about the business, though he was curious about the sudden switch from Gents' to Ladies' outfitting and Jessie told him that it was the very sudden switch, supposedly because her husband had suddenly contracted Arthur Askeyitis in his hands which made it impossible for him to cut and sew tweed and other fabrics – he realised that what Jessie meant was Arthritis, but he also knew that Arthritis does not develop overnight and he asked whether this sudden affliction had affected MacDonald at home in any way; "he'd been in the toggery trade aw his life, sterted under his faither wen he wis still at the schill, oh aye, he wis aye guid wi his hauns, if ye get ma drift?" and Sadie interjected that they were aye wandering whenever she found herself alone with the tailor, and over Jessie's giggles, went on
further to tell of him having no sign of a disability or inflexibility when it came to unbuttoning buttons, or loosening her brassiere, or her stays or even her stockings, which he could do single handed, being able to unfasten each with right and left hands working independently, "an roll doon baith stockings at the same time, ackshully, noo ah cum tae think on't, that's sumpn the Afore MacDonald coodny dae, but the Efter yin's a dab haun, Arthur Eskey or no Arthur Eskey," which Jessie didn't seem to mind hearing – she confessed that she didn't have any great feelings about Hamish, neither expecting fidelity from him nor feeling herself so committed, but this was all new to Bernie, who felt rather embarrassed by the women's candour, in front of him, a stranger; "so, apart from the Arthritis he claimed, what else can you identify as different?" and Jessie grinned mischievously: "dae ye ken boot the Identification Parade?" she asked him back: "only what Inspector Ferguson said, that it was of an intimate nature and you identified your husband by his privates, which you said were markedly different from previously, and that an Army Doctor in Nuremberg has written confirming that the Hamish Of After has identical . . . . ." and he hesitated, unsure of how to mention the details he had read in the report, but Jessie did it for him: "aye, his cock's got a kinda bend tae it the opposite way tae the wey it wis Before!" and she looked quite triumphant; "and how exactly was the Parade conducted," he asked, attempting to be as disinterested as if he were examining a witness in a courtroom, and Jessie then explained: £well, they hud a line o men, aw butt naked, aboot a dozen ah fink, an they hud kinda Balaclavas oan. the kind that only shows therr een, an ah hud tae gaun doon oan me hurdies, wi a blindfold so's a coodny see wha wis wha, an move fi ane tae the next, an gie each a fondlin tae make them staun up and feel them wi ma hauns an then suck them – bit no the hale wey, ye unnerstaun it wisnae fer emdy's pleesure, jist so's ah cood identify ma husband!" Bernie's face was now quite red: "and were you able to?" was all he could manage: "oh aye, by the strange wey it turned, the opposite fi whit it did Before!" and Bernie prompted, "can you tell me exactly what happened?" and Jessie paused, recollecting: "oh, aye, well 
whit ah dun wi them aw, wis haud they'se baws and gie them a squeeze, like ah aye dun wi Him Before, an Efter, then rub the cock so's it wis big n hard n rampent, like, you'll ken whit a mean, an then ah smelled an licked it, tae check the taste, an took it in ma gub and sucked it a bit till afore it micht ejectuate, and then a let it slip oot, ana kin tell ye fer a fact, him that wis number Five, he wis definately Hamish Efter, and no wey wis he Hamish Before an Ah'll swear tae that on ony Holy Bible, as God's ma Witness!" and she crossed herself! which made Bernie consider the subject closed, and he finished writing his notes, but before he felt he could leave, he had something else to establish: "can you tell me Mrs MacDonald, how has your husband acted towards you since the Identification Parade? and Jessie smiled: "oh absolutely Hunky Dory, Mr Cohen, therr wis nae gnarin wen he cam bak, he sez it's no ma fault the Polis set that up and he hauds me nae ill will, in fact he's been quite attentive, even Mair attentive, than usual, if ye get ma drift," and she gave him a wink, sudden and quite unexpected: "ah cood demonstrate, if ye like," she said, extending a hand towards him: "oh, no, Mrs MacDonald, that won't be necessary," he stammered, getting to his feet with as much care as he could, his body seeming confused and uncertain about what it should be doing: "and Sadie rose with him, "Ah'm gaun your wey, Mr Cohen, div ye mind if we walk thegither? a lassie isnae safe oan the streets alane, wi murderers and fings lurkin roon ony corner," and taking his leave of Mrs MacDonald, feeling less anxious about leaving her in the house to await her husband's return from work, and felt Sadie sticking to him like a limpet as he directed his feet towards Maryhill Road, but finding himself heading in another direction altogether!