Sentence The Fiftyninth
Although it was rather late when Maude telephoned Theresa Somerville, to update her with the itinerary of the Honeymoon, to check that her cats Mouse and Dog were not pining for her and that Teri was keeping them in food and drink, and also to ask her niece to pass on a message to The Famous Four, she was delighted to find that they were all there, in her old flat, with Teri – actually, they were still all on the Round Bed where we last heard of them, but please don't think that they had been there continuously since then, for although there was always one or other in situ, at any one time various members of the group had left the bed to a) go to the toilet; b) brush her teeth; c) have a luxuriant soapy soak in Maude's deep, free-standing Victorian Bathtub; d) a vigorous, alternately scalding and freezing Power Shower; e) partake of fluid which could be e1) tea e2) coffee e3) wine (white or red) e4) spirits (whisky. Brandy, gin or vodka) e5) Irn Bru; f) food, if she could find anything edible in the fridge, freezer, or larder , but all of these were as barren as a swidden which has been left in abeyance for a new owner to plough, preparatory to sowing the seed for his first crops, or at the little shop round the corner or, and much more likely, to phone Gennaro at his little Italian Bistro at which they have a permanent table – Number 5, of course - and ask him to send one
of his pretty waitresses up with something to nibble (other than herself, of course); but for the most part they have spent their time on, or in, the bed; it is one of those beds which so delight because of the great skills which have gone into it's manufacture: the base os very sturdy, crafted from oak, and every joint is expertly dove-tailed (indeed there are no screws employed in the construction, therefore, no screws to work their way loose and cause the bed to shiver and shake if those above are engaged in anything at all rumbustious which, despite her gradual passage from adolescence to post-adolescence – for Maude will never accept that she has become an adult, a grown-up, a mature woman, an oldie, a relic, a decrepit, a senior citizen, a pensioner, a geriatric, why do you think she does not, even in these enlightened times, when everyone over 60 and many others under, with qualifying conditions or disabilities, is entitled to a Free Bus Pass which they can use anywhere in Scotland and not just in their Local Authority Area, which was the case in the past, use, or even admit to having, hers? and it is not out of any principle such as believing herself to be sufficiently well-heeled not to need one, oh, dear me, no, it is for the same reason that she will not wear her distance spectacles outside of her flat, or Daphne's (into which she has officially flitted since the Wedding, though they have only had one night there as a married couple before jaunting off to Gullane) or, indeed, wear her reading glasses if anyone other than, or in addition to, Daphne, is present, it is a word which she used in her Crossword just a couple of weeks ago with the clue “the smugness which follows on from the front (6 letters) but, tush! no more cattiness for she is my adored Aunt and I wish her only joy and happiness in, well not exactly her new life, for she and my Aunt Daphne have been “an item” since long before I was born, but at any rate, in this slightly different form, in their life of Wedded Bliss – Maude still behaves just exactly as she did when she was in that flush of youth which lends itself to approaching life with considerable enthusiasm and vivacity, and is so often perceived by others as hedonistic, outrageous, as unrestrained and lacking in any sense of propriety as any libertine, which . . . . .
but Teri was startled out of these thoughts when she received Maude's call, after the usual shenanigans involved in first finding her mobile, which on this occasion had somehow been squeezed between the technophobic Cecilia's ample thighs and, as it was set to vibrate as well as ring, the tune (I Will Survive, by Gloria Gaynor) was so muffled by flesh as to be barely audible (this is your third warning about puns, Teri, kindly desist) but the vibrate produced a series of gasps and giggles from Cecilia which roused everyone from their slumbers and, after much delicate work – and no small amount of hilarity - in tracing the origin of the buzzing which seemed to flow through Cecilia's body, and the squelchy audio, Teri was eventually able to prize Cecilia's thighs apart sufficient to extricate her mobile and acknowledge Maude's call; she assured Maude that the cats were in the pink, as were the Four, plus herself as an honorary Fifth and she relayed Maude's message to the others, which basically was that she and Daphne were planning to have a Round of Golf on one of the local courses in the morning, perhaps after lunch, depending on when the morning begins, go to a local hostelry with which she believed several of friends were familiar, in the company of a Mermaid, Teri assured them that this was precisely the word her Aunt Maude had used, they nodded, and on the following day were hoping the weather would be sufficiently favourable for them to join the Nautical Phemie Lauder on a voyage of discovery to the shores and summit of The Bass – she was following Phemie's terminology, in which the suffix Rock is not spoken; this news delighted her friends who, as soon as the call was ended began to discuss among themselves, with occasional inclusions of Teri, the possibility of hiring a charabanc for an excursion to Gullane, so that they could join their dear friends on the foamy brine – yes, they really do use such expressions, without any sense of satire or embarrassment, which Teri felt was actually rather sweet, for in her secret heart, she rather envied them their lives which had encompassed dramatic and vital periods in the modern history of Scotland, Britain and Europe, not to say, the whole Planet, about which she herself could only witness through the printed or spoken words of others and the medium of film, without ever having first-hand experience of those highly-charged and dramatic events as they happened; not that she thought their lives had been beds of roses, at which she began to realise that the Four had all eased back into their slumbers and, resting her head on someone's stomach, and tucking her toes into someone's oxter, she felt herself drift off too; zzzzzzz
Although it was rather late when Maude telephoned Theresa Somerville, to update her with the itinerary of the Honeymoon, to check that her cats Mouse and Dog were not pining for her and that Teri was keeping them in food and drink, and also to ask her niece to pass on a message to The Famous Four, she was delighted to find that they were all there, in her old flat, with Teri – actually, they were still all on the Round Bed where we last heard of them, but please don't think that they had been there continuously since then, for although there was always one or other in situ, at any one time various members of the group had left the bed to a) go to the toilet; b) brush her teeth; c) have a luxuriant soapy soak in Maude's deep, free-standing Victorian Bathtub; d) a vigorous, alternately scalding and freezing Power Shower; e) partake of fluid which could be e1) tea e2) coffee e3) wine (white or red) e4) spirits (whisky. Brandy, gin or vodka) e5) Irn Bru; f) food, if she could find anything edible in the fridge, freezer, or larder , but all of these were as barren as a swidden which has been left in abeyance for a new owner to plough, preparatory to sowing the seed for his first crops, or at the little shop round the corner or, and much more likely, to phone Gennaro at his little Italian Bistro at which they have a permanent table – Number 5, of course - and ask him to send one
of his pretty waitresses up with something to nibble (other than herself, of course); but for the most part they have spent their time on, or in, the bed; it is one of those beds which so delight because of the great skills which have gone into it's manufacture: the base os very sturdy, crafted from oak, and every joint is expertly dove-tailed (indeed there are no screws employed in the construction, therefore, no screws to work their way loose and cause the bed to shiver and shake if those above are engaged in anything at all rumbustious which, despite her gradual passage from adolescence to post-adolescence – for Maude will never accept that she has become an adult, a grown-up, a mature woman, an oldie, a relic, a decrepit, a senior citizen, a pensioner, a geriatric, why do you think she does not, even in these enlightened times, when everyone over 60 and many others under, with qualifying conditions or disabilities, is entitled to a Free Bus Pass which they can use anywhere in Scotland and not just in their Local Authority Area, which was the case in the past, use, or even admit to having, hers? and it is not out of any principle such as believing herself to be sufficiently well-heeled not to need one, oh, dear me, no, it is for the same reason that she will not wear her distance spectacles outside of her flat, or Daphne's (into which she has officially flitted since the Wedding, though they have only had one night there as a married couple before jaunting off to Gullane) or, indeed, wear her reading glasses if anyone other than, or in addition to, Daphne, is present, it is a word which she used in her Crossword just a couple of weeks ago with the clue “the smugness which follows on from the front (6 letters) but, tush! no more cattiness for she is my adored Aunt and I wish her only joy and happiness in, well not exactly her new life, for she and my Aunt Daphne have been “an item” since long before I was born, but at any rate, in this slightly different form, in their life of Wedded Bliss – Maude still behaves just exactly as she did when she was in that flush of youth which lends itself to approaching life with considerable enthusiasm and vivacity, and is so often perceived by others as hedonistic, outrageous, as unrestrained and lacking in any sense of propriety as any libertine, which . . . . .
but Teri was startled out of these thoughts when she received Maude's call, after the usual shenanigans involved in first finding her mobile, which on this occasion had somehow been squeezed between the technophobic Cecilia's ample thighs and, as it was set to vibrate as well as ring, the tune (I Will Survive, by Gloria Gaynor) was so muffled by flesh as to be barely audible (this is your third warning about puns, Teri, kindly desist) but the vibrate produced a series of gasps and giggles from Cecilia which roused everyone from their slumbers and, after much delicate work – and no small amount of hilarity - in tracing the origin of the buzzing which seemed to flow through Cecilia's body, and the squelchy audio, Teri was eventually able to prize Cecilia's thighs apart sufficient to extricate her mobile and acknowledge Maude's call; she assured Maude that the cats were in the pink, as were the Four, plus herself as an honorary Fifth and she relayed Maude's message to the others, which basically was that she and Daphne were planning to have a Round of Golf on one of the local courses in the morning, perhaps after lunch, depending on when the morning begins, go to a local hostelry with which she believed several of friends were familiar, in the company of a Mermaid, Teri assured them that this was precisely the word her Aunt Maude had used, they nodded, and on the following day were hoping the weather would be sufficiently favourable for them to join the Nautical Phemie Lauder on a voyage of discovery to the shores and summit of The Bass – she was following Phemie's terminology, in which the suffix Rock is not spoken; this news delighted her friends who, as soon as the call was ended began to discuss among themselves, with occasional inclusions of Teri, the possibility of hiring a charabanc for an excursion to Gullane, so that they could join their dear friends on the foamy brine – yes, they really do use such expressions, without any sense of satire or embarrassment, which Teri felt was actually rather sweet, for in her secret heart, she rather envied them their lives which had encompassed dramatic and vital periods in the modern history of Scotland, Britain and Europe, not to say, the whole Planet, about which she herself could only witness through the printed or spoken words of others and the medium of film, without ever having first-hand experience of those highly-charged and dramatic events as they happened; not that she thought their lives had been beds of roses, at which she began to realise that the Four had all eased back into their slumbers and, resting her head on someone's stomach, and tucking her toes into someone's oxter, she felt herself drift off too; zzzzzzz
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