Sentence The Onehundredandfiftieth
But the seed had been planted on good ground and it took root so that when DI Gordon Brevity
happened upon the distinguished bluestocking, Professor Carolina Moonbeam at the High Court that afternoon, where, quite unanticipated and simply coincident on the vagaries of time and tide, she was giving evidence in the case of The Crown v The Marquess of Queensferry who was charged with the unlawful burial in the Pentland Hills and without a permit of his Butler, one Thomas St John Abercrombie, between the 7th of November 1957 and the 1st of July 1962 and with causing one Ricardo Delmonte to personate the said Mr Abercrombie, between the 7th of November 1957 and the 1st of July 1962 on which date Mr Delmonte, having died of an overdose of barbiturates on the 25th of June 1962 was buried as Mr Abercrombie in Mr Abercrombie's family plot at Fairmilehead, Edinburgh, in contravention of Section 15, subsection 12b of The Burials and Cremations Act 1921, amended 1954, which states that only the person named on the Death Certificate may be interred or cremated as the said person; and as The Marquess was very elderly and extremely frail, his Advocate, professional spieler and renowned teller of porkies on behalf of the Ruling Classes and his own pocket, Martin Elginbrod QC spent most of the session arguing that it would be unjust, inhumane, distressing to a nonagenarian, “nay, almost, but for three weeks, a centenarian” and an abuse of his client's Human Rights under Section 27, Sub-section 12 of The European Human Rights Act, for him to be subjected to the cut-and-thrust (at which Professor Moonbeam, already in the Witness Box and sworn 'so help her God' that the evidence she would give would be honest, decent and truthful, burst out laughing, much to the discomfort of Mr Elginbrod and the initial annoyance of Lord Justice Alexander Samarkand who was 'minded to send her down' for 24 hours until being advised by the Crown Officer representing the Procurator Fiscal that Professor Moonbeam suffered from a form of Tourette's Syndrome brought on and exacerbated by being required to wait in long queues for buses running late, or in draughty witness boxes while Counsel waxed and waned lyrical and interminably, at which Lord Samarkand expressed some sympathy for the distress to which the 'cute' (yes, he actually said 'cute' and you can check in the official record that he did) Professor had been subjected and excused her for the afternoon and asked one of the Ushers to escort the 'cute' Professor to the Judge's Chamber at the rear of the Court and cosset her with a restorative cup of tea and a fruit scone from His Lordship’s personal supply, and, when the Usher left her, Professor Moonbeam topped up the tea with a nip of malt from her hip flask and texted Brevity to join her for a sip; and that was how
it came to pass that Gordon Brevity signed up Professor Moonbeam as the Fourth Member of the Grassmarket and Cowgate Community Policing Hub's Quiz Team –which competes under the name of The Blue Jocks – it having been discovered at a rather merry Carol Party one Christmas that both Brevity and DI Buce Bruse, the two Male Members in the Team, regularly wear Police Uniform Issue Blue Boxer Shorts and an anonymously submitted photograph appeared as evidence of that assertion in The Edinburgh and Leith Police Gazette and ensured the only sell-out in the history of that publication (the majority, but not quite all, of the print run still lying under Gordon and Goldy Brevity's Bed in their Portobello flat) and a mention on both Reporting Scotland and Have I Got News For You!
But the seed had been planted on good ground and it took root so that when DI Gordon Brevity
happened upon the distinguished bluestocking, Professor Carolina Moonbeam at the High Court that afternoon, where, quite unanticipated and simply coincident on the vagaries of time and tide, she was giving evidence in the case of The Crown v The Marquess of Queensferry who was charged with the unlawful burial in the Pentland Hills and without a permit of his Butler, one Thomas St John Abercrombie, between the 7th of November 1957 and the 1st of July 1962 and with causing one Ricardo Delmonte to personate the said Mr Abercrombie, between the 7th of November 1957 and the 1st of July 1962 on which date Mr Delmonte, having died of an overdose of barbiturates on the 25th of June 1962 was buried as Mr Abercrombie in Mr Abercrombie's family plot at Fairmilehead, Edinburgh, in contravention of Section 15, subsection 12b of The Burials and Cremations Act 1921, amended 1954, which states that only the person named on the Death Certificate may be interred or cremated as the said person; and as The Marquess was very elderly and extremely frail, his Advocate, professional spieler and renowned teller of porkies on behalf of the Ruling Classes and his own pocket, Martin Elginbrod QC spent most of the session arguing that it would be unjust, inhumane, distressing to a nonagenarian, “nay, almost, but for three weeks, a centenarian” and an abuse of his client's Human Rights under Section 27, Sub-section 12 of The European Human Rights Act, for him to be subjected to the cut-and-thrust (at which Professor Moonbeam, already in the Witness Box and sworn 'so help her God' that the evidence she would give would be honest, decent and truthful, burst out laughing, much to the discomfort of Mr Elginbrod and the initial annoyance of Lord Justice Alexander Samarkand who was 'minded to send her down' for 24 hours until being advised by the Crown Officer representing the Procurator Fiscal that Professor Moonbeam suffered from a form of Tourette's Syndrome brought on and exacerbated by being required to wait in long queues for buses running late, or in draughty witness boxes while Counsel waxed and waned lyrical and interminably, at which Lord Samarkand expressed some sympathy for the distress to which the 'cute' (yes, he actually said 'cute' and you can check in the official record that he did) Professor had been subjected and excused her for the afternoon and asked one of the Ushers to escort the 'cute' Professor to the Judge's Chamber at the rear of the Court and cosset her with a restorative cup of tea and a fruit scone from His Lordship’s personal supply, and, when the Usher left her, Professor Moonbeam topped up the tea with a nip of malt from her hip flask and texted Brevity to join her for a sip; and that was how
it came to pass that Gordon Brevity signed up Professor Moonbeam as the Fourth Member of the Grassmarket and Cowgate Community Policing Hub's Quiz Team –which competes under the name of The Blue Jocks – it having been discovered at a rather merry Carol Party one Christmas that both Brevity and DI Buce Bruse, the two Male Members in the Team, regularly wear Police Uniform Issue Blue Boxer Shorts and an anonymously submitted photograph appeared as evidence of that assertion in The Edinburgh and Leith Police Gazette and ensured the only sell-out in the history of that publication (the majority, but not quite all, of the print run still lying under Gordon and Goldy Brevity's Bed in their Portobello flat) and a mention on both Reporting Scotland and Have I Got News For You!
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